Ask Aunty Barbara

Dear Auntie Barbara.

I'm writing this while hurtling to my eventual demise, trapped in the Corridor of Eternity. I was consigned here by some interfering sod from Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterberus, who took exception to my wanting to shred his nervous system into a million fibres wracked by the most excruciating pain.

For some reason that I cannot for the life of me fathom, he takes exception to the fact that I want to end his life... in fact all life. He thinks it's something to preserve but I just don't understand this, I mean, what's so great about life anyway? Nothing but famine, war, hunger disease, dishonest politicians, Eastenders... Best to get rid of it all and start again in my opinion.

Anyway Barbara, the thing is... do you know where I can get hold of a relatively cheap type 40 time control unit so that I can extricate myself from this accursed Temporal Trap? Or, if you know of any other method by which I could facilitate my escape, I'd be hugely grateful... In Fact, I'll give you the Earth as a plaything if you could...

Best Wishes

Su xxx

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear Su,

I had to dab a tear from my eye while reading your email, so moved was I by your sad situation! These people from Kasterberus can be very difficult - I spent some time travelling with one and we rarely agreed about anything!

You can get a fairly good reconditioned time control unit from Time Vehicles-R-Us on the planet Atrios (just ask for Drax), although I'm not at all sure that the postage costs to where you are won't be prohibitive. It might be worth a 'phone call to Atrios before you send your cheque to find out.

Do I assume that it was the time control unit from a Type 40 TARDIS that trapped you in the time corridor to begin with? If so, take comfort in the fact that the thermal balance would have equalised and the threshold it was operating from will have caught fire! Maybe your adversary didn't get off so lightly after all! However, Su, it is your attitude in general that I find saddest of all. We all have little problems from time to time, but most of us don't respond to these challenges by wanting to end all life! My heart breaks at your list of reasons why all life should be ended - but just think - maybe this is an opportunity rather than an ending! We've all wanted to shred someone's nervous system into a million fibres now and again, but is that an answer?

Why not take some time (say, ten thousand years) to consider the brighter things in life - those little things you remember with a smile! Perhaps someone has been very nice to you recently - think about them and see their little acts of kindness as examples. For instance, did anyone ever hold your cushion down while you got up out of your chair? Did some kind archaeologist try to set your free from an ancient prison tomb? Or maybe some friendly little organ-playing Egyptian offered to be your true servant? You see? Life isn't all bad!

So cheer up, Su! Take each day as it comes and remember that there are people worse off than yourself!

Think about what I've said and let me know how you are doing in around 5,000 years!

With love,

Auntie Barbara

Why can’t I keep a girl?

Dear Auntie Barbara,

I’ve spent a lot of my life travelling with attractive women but have not been able to pull any of them. I’ve changed my image several times but this has had no effect whatsoever. They all seem to look upon me as some sort of kindly uncle figure and not interested in rumpy-pumpy at all. At least three of them left me to get married to someone else and I’m getting very frustrated. The closest I came to it was with this bird I met in San Francisco in 1999, but she was a bit too demanding and wanted me to stop travelling and live with her. It didn’t help that I let my mortal enemy kill her (although I did bring her back to life again afterwards), and anyway she had this unresolved thing going with a guy called Brian.

The excuses some of the other girls have given seem a bit suspicious. One wanted to live in a leper colony, another one wanted to ride the time winds with an electric dog, and another wanted to go with this warrior King who shouted at everyone. One of them I know for certain went back to the space station where I met her and instantly forgot all about me.

Is there something the matter with me? Why can’t I keep a girl? What should I do?

The D.

(No fixed abode)

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear D,

The fact that you keep changing your image indicates that you are not comfortable with yourself. If you’re not happy with who you are, how can you expect any girl to be? Why not choose a new image and settle on it? I’m told that tall with big ears and a northern accent is very fashionable at the moment, so why not consider that?

I’m mixing with the wrong people

Dear Auntie Barbara,

I keep mixing with the wrong crowd and end up in all sorts of trouble. I just can’t help myself! Soon after I left home I met some people who wanted to conquer Earth and asked me to go and run a plastics factory there for them. I had no reason to doubt them at the time, and it was only when an old school-friend pointed out that they might not be all they seemed that I began to worry. While on Earth I met up with this alien mind-parasite who wanted to eat people’s brains. I was really scared! After that I found some lizards living in the sea that wanted to kill all the humans as well. I thought I was helping but ended up in dreadful trouble again. Even away from Earth I can’t get it right. I once pretended to be an adjudicator in a dispute between some colonists and some miners. That would have been all right if I hadn’t tried to steal a doomsday weapon while I was there!

People think I’m a bad person, but I’m just misunderstood. The last time I met my old school friend (egged on by the Daleks) I stole his TARDIS and shot him in the back, and I feel really bad about that. Then I had a (stress induced) regeneration crisis and tried to blow up my home planet! How can I stop myself?

The M.

(No fixed abode)

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear M,

Stop beating yourself up! I suspect that you have a lot of unresolved issues to deal with that probably stem from your childhood. You keep mentioning this old school friend of yours… did he play a significant part in your upbringing? I guess that there are some issues of jealousy you might need to look at. For instance, was he better at maths than you? Next time you meet him tell him how you feel. I’m sure you will be surprised at his response!

It might also be a good idea to stop hanging around places where you are likely to meet bad people. I can recommend a lovely place in the Union of Traken where everybody will make you feel welcome. In fact I’m sure you will come away from there feeling like a new man!

Nobody likes me!

Dear Auntie Barbara,

Several years ago I had an accident which left me wheelchair-bound and with only one arm. My face was badly burned and so I’m quite disfigured, too. However, I turned my life around and saved my race from extinction by building them some travelling machines in which they could conquer the universe. But since then everyone has been calling me an “evil” genius and keep trying to kill me. I think this is very unfair. Even my own resurrected race hates me, although last time we met I saved them from a deadly virus!

What can I do to be more popular?

Skaro

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear D,

If I were you I would take some time out to reflect upon my life and think through the alternatives. There is a splendid retreat house on Necros (quite near the bereavement centre) where you can think about what you can do with your genius. I mean, half the universe is starving! Can’t you do something about that?

I think you a very brave person and I would like to shake you by the hand (which one is it that you still have?)

Nobody likes me! #2

Dear Auntie Barbara,

I recently left my own universe to travel with an extended family and their electric dog. However, since leaving home, the extended family has broken up and the only remaining member has regenerated! Also, he’s picked up these two bossy women who do nothing but argue. He won’t listen to anything I have to say, even when I ask if we can go to Matalan to get me some new clothes (we left Alzaruis in such a hurry I still had my pyjamas on!).

I try so hard. Even my badge for mathematical excellence doesn’t impress them. What do they want me to do? Save a planet or something?

(No fixed abode)

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear A,

Give yourself a chance to put things in perspective and get away from everyone for a while. Find a planet that hasn’t developed a civilization yet and spend some time there alone. Also, why not try to broaden your horizons with a little reading? My recommended book of the month is “Black Orchid” by George Cranleigh (available in paperback from www.amazon.co.uk).

Is there something he’s not telling me?

Dear Auntie Barbara,

My friend has been building a power complex next door, and to help him I have been collecting hymetusite tributes from Aneth. He says he is going to restore the Empire of Skonnos, but I’m not so sure. He’s taken to stomping around in a black leotard and gold loincloth, and wears these huge yellow horns on his head in what I can only describe as an overtly masculine way. It’s true that we have both reached a “certain age”, but when he was out one day I had a good look around his house it looks as if he was preparing for company. Do you think he is having an affair?

The Empire of Skonnos

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear S,

This is just a phase that all boys go through! Don’t worry – he’s probably just realised that he’s not as young as he was and it’s left him feeling a bit insecure. All this masculine posturing is just his way of dealing with it. Go and have a chat with him and find out what plans he’s really got for your Empire. If you’re still worried, suggest that he sees a Doctor.

Ashamed of my skin

Dear Auntie Barbara,

There’s this new bird turned up in the village that I really fancy. We didn’t hit it off at first but now she’s starting to talk to me and I think she quite likes me. The trouble is I have such terrible skin – all covered in glowing green pus!

Last week I found some huge maggots (which I though at first were inflated condoms left there as a joke by the soldiers who have been hanging around Llanfairfach) and I think they might have something to do with it. I’ve tried medicated soap and all the creams in the chemist, but the glowing won’t stop. How can I ask this girl out looking like Puff the Magic Dragon?

Prof C.

Llanfairfach

Auntie Barbara writes:

Dear Prof C,

I’m sure it doesn’t look half as bad as you think! In fact I don’t suppose this girl will even notice (especially if she is as keen of you as you say!). If you really are worried you could try a natural remedy: there are some very good fungus products on the market these days. Go to your local Global Chemicals high street store and see what they have.

But are you sure that this is the real issue? Are you using a minor skin blemish as an excuse not to ask this girl out? Take your courage in both hands and show her who’s Boss!